she's got the saddest eyes i've ever seen

dear life -

really please listen this time. because the last billion times i think you werent

why is it you place awesome people right in my hands. then slowly take them away from me.

next time. please just give me a warning. or dont let me come in contact with them. 

this way my heart wont hurt.

my mind wont hurt.

and i will be able to breath.

thank you.

b.d

im like a paper cup with a pin prick you can fill me up but ill only stay full for awhile

so months have gone by and i have wrote nothing.

i think way too much still.

i want the world ... but the world doesnt want me sometimes.

grad school starts in august and i have to take fewer classes which makes me total bummed due to the fact that i have to live and a full time job is something i need in order to do that.

its bizarre to me how sometimes people will get handed things and they take it for granted.

if someone would just pay all my bills for the next 2 years so i can focus on grad school that would be very swell.

and by swell i mean will never happen in a million years. 

speaking of bizarre things . . .  seeing a shooting star for the first time ever is pretty much the coolest thing ever.. oh along with long long bike rides to clear your mind.

woo ha. wo ha.

pandora.com 

awesome.ness for your music listening.

ps.

still stoked on life.

still happy.

its warm out.

woo.

im glad i did it.

im on the way to becoming more healthy.

my body is going to love me more by the choices of food i put into my mouth. 

even though sometimes it might be  a pain. ill stick to my program that i was put on.  

i dont want any more problems with getting sick all the time. i dislike being cold when its 75 out. i dislike having pain after i eat. i dislike how i feel tired all the time. i dislike how fast food is out in america. i dislike the system sometimes. 

HOWEVER 

i am excited that i did this.  i am going to stick with it because its better. 

i am excited that im doing well with life.

i am excited that its sunny out today.

i wish i could be sleeping at this hour.

shake shake and pop

tomorrow i go see a natural dr. im pretty much stoked about it.

i need it.

and have always thought it would benefit me more than i could even imagine!

heres his website. 

nynaturalhealthcenter.com

oh and remember..

there are times in life when you want it so bad that you hold too tight and you kill it so dead.

rambles.

remember.... 

that sometimes people just need you to take the time out to listen. and no amount of money can equal that.

also.

there are always people who are 10 times worse off than you are.

so because you have to get up to go to work and then come home to your nice warm house and then do it all again the next day doesnt mean your life is shit. it just means you're living in america.

you won't realize I'm gone

many people wanna make money make love
make friends make peace with death
but most mainly want to win the game they came to win
they want to come out ahead
but you you're a rock with a heart like a socket i can plug into at will
and will you guess when i come around next
i hope your open sign is blinking still

I could write my name by the age of three
And I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
Bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by
I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
To fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall.

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by I be your girl will you be my guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me.

someone come and save my life

please don't come to me on my dying day,
just let me go in peace.
with all the things that
i forgot to say,
racing through my mind.
and don't you bury me six feet
under ground,
just burn my body in a box.
and let my ashes blow
with the wind,
out into the night sky.

one, two, one two three four

I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
That would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become
A simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea
I'm constantly changing from calm to hell
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I'm breaking down


Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice?

. . . i have no respect for you . . .

one day ....

you'll get it.

and that's the day i wont be there for you.

until then.

good luck.

dont break hearts and try to shake hands.

some are dreamers
and some are realists
but, we all welcome change
this is goodbye, gravity
you no longer keep me grounded

this is world as we know it

some are lovers
and some are fighters
but, we all pump the same red blood into our veins
the new is in, and we're feeling better already

you told me this has always been worth living - but what's really worth living anymore?

When the dark flood came we wrapped ourselves inside a dirty blanket citing different opinions on whether we should move when the houses came they ate up everyone like they were fishes saying, "come on, come on its the end of the world"

and then I saw your face you're turning skin into a dirty secret I watched the beauties, watched the fire and the fire burn the beauty in their eyes

when I took the blame we layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase we're yelling, "someone's got the answers, but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found"

if you knew I was dying would it change you?

So when you see me falling backwards down the wall that says I'm still alive, don't be cautious when I'm cautiously approaching on the other side everybody has their reasons, that's the reason we're all going to die

because if seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes when I fly solo, I fly so high don't touch me now.

We all deserve something

breathless, lost and too alive to stop

 .you're my favorite book.                         

.i never knew there was                                   someone to make                                                  

me come                                                          

alive.

eye spy.

RYAN CABRERA at best buy in buffalo!!!. hes my future husband. no big deal. im glad i could act 12 with kari while giggling all around best buy, sort of stalking him. ha. i always wondered why people were star stuck by artists. now it makes sense. but then and again he is human. and probably would of wanted to take kari and i out on a date. good thing we didnt get to close for him to fall in love with us. ha ha ha.

- you wont get better until you get worse -

to think that the littlest things could make it or break it. why is that? why do people need other people in their lives to make them happy? i always wondered this. i see it a lot. i never understood it though. i myself cant just point the finger at someone because we all do it. humans are strange. they are dependent on others. no matter how much one will say they aren't they are. its just human nature. just like your pet is dependent on you to feed them walk them play with them love them. it just is how it is. the other thing i don't get is how selfish and childish some people act when it comes down to it. it seems as if they are not like this sort of person but when push comes to shove they shut down and want to hide under the covers. so much for thinking you know someone when honestly you knew nothing about them from the start and you wasted too much time trying to understand.

im glad i have been over it for months now. it ended before i even ended it. strange. concept yes. but ahh life again. always something to question. right? because if we didn't question life then what kind of human being would i be eh?

i say ... if people want to act like they are 5 and run run far far away from problems they face in life instead of dealing with them right then and there then so be it. however, if people want to take that problem solve it and move on im sure in the long run this would be helpful. i know in my past i always had this thing with running because then the problem would go away right? WRONG. one thing i regret. up and leaving with a weeks notice and moving to westchester. however best outcome- it was a great experience and made me go back to school because i realized this world is shit when it comes to retail land, so i had to go back to become something i wanted to do . something ill enjoy for a while. teaching. yes ahh yes. so here i am. after finishing my undergrad a year ago. back in school. its interesting. and awesome. and stressful. and i love and hate every minute of it. im glad that i have awesome friends to hang out with and am able to forget about it when we go out and about to paint the town red.

::: 2008 keep your enemies close and your lovers closer :::

you only turn 24 once. - get into it.

thank you kari and leisha - for a wonderful night filled with sing alongs, cookie cake, sparks, cherry cokes, laughs, many pictures, sweet dance moves, and lots of other things such as logging.

you ladies are the best and thank you for being there when i need you most.

2008 is about us. and road trips. and laughs.

well you said it was suicide

time and space. space and time.

makes you realize that maybe you're better off alone. it makes you realize that what you had wasn't happiness. it makes you realize that this should of never even got this far. maybe friends would have been the best out come of the first meeting rather then jumping in and sinking from day one.  thats not love. thats confusion. 

i realize i am happy. doing what i do best. being me. and laughing and smiling and that i am okay. and i dont need to change because there will be someone out there who accepts me for me.  thats what the world is about accepting one for themselves, not attempting to make someone they arent.  yes you can better a person but are you really making them better by saying you need to do this different you need to change. you arent right. maybe im just a rotten egg all around for you. but for someone else i am the cherry on top of the sundae im the icing that makes the cake. but then and again. maybe putting someone down could be your best feature. 

i however, cant stick around for it. the movie has ended. it ended not with a fairy tale ending but hopefully with a friendship that will last for a lifetime.  im not good at all or nothing. i used to be but im not anymore. 

i guess sometimes people up and run away. but here i am. in  control knowing what i want. and i have it. i can say i am finally happy and that i am okay with it.  i am finally in acceptance with the fact that it wasnt a good idea. 

this thursday is thirsty thursday and my birthday. i cant wait to spend it with the amazing people i call my friends! acoustic sing alongs. drinks. smiles. laughs. and even cake! oh boy im soo stoked! 

my life. over and over again. i love it. currently. 

waken by the sound of a broken heart

You've got a beautiful temper but it gets the best of you but you know your mouth is on the edge of a secret and you make adjustments for cover but you want to see it through, see it through and though you're standing all alone now, it's your fault

Your heart is beating faster and this isn't what you want

You say thanks for the notion and even know that this is true, this is true it's funny how I always hear you say that you're okay I guess you're keeping it level I haven't heard from you,You're probably living in the past but it won't last


this is pathetic

You're lost and been
walking forever

Something is wrong
What is this voice inside my head?
How can it be?
When all of these things are falling in line?


Trust me
You.....

but this life is rearranging

And what I saw today was more than I can take
I'll say this honestly
I was afraid
And the pieces are coming together now
But there's still just so many things to figure out
This time there's so many things that I would want the world to take away
This time it feels so right
And its time is done, it's time to run
And it's all you have for now
Leave the past, there's nothing left
And it's over now, I'll show you how
And it's all you have for now
You know it 'cause you thought about it
And when you sing about it, it's all right
Don't be afraid to let it go
All this pain, it's a shame
You never talk about it
You know in so many words it's all right
It's a game on your face, you know you can't deny it
And now it's you in the dark until sunrise

egg.shells

have you ever made a decision and thought it would be the right one and then realized maybe it wasnt? or right now it feels like you're about as small as a little ant... and maybe later it will work out for the best or wont... or everything just turns into shambles because of said decision.

my life currently.

sometimes this is how i feel.

i wouldnt like me if i met me.

change change change.

thats all i've heard.

thats all i've known.

i am who i am. 

and i don't know any different.

rambling.

... it comes that time when of course we have to grow up. i turn 24 on the 24th of this month and it seems like just yesterday i was 12. why is that? where the did the time go? wasn't i just outside playing in the mud and staying up way past my bed time? i guess its rather interesting to see what i have become from that scared sixth grader and now im going to be going into a *hopefully* english ed. masters program. and i will be the one teaching that scared sixth grader (or hopefully not - i want to deal with high schoolers) anyways. it's weird to see that just last year i was done with school.  at least my undergrad. and now a year later im back in it. i jumped back on the wagon. hopefully its a covered one.  ahh. birthday birthday birthday time.  this will be the 4th year without my great grandma. my 21st birthday was the big one and the first year without her. if you didnt know by now i was born on her birthday. i feel like it was a great honor to be born on your great grandmothers birthday on a cold and more than likely blizzard-type buffalo day.  eh. the day should be happy. i know it should but something always feels like its missing.  i know with time it should get easier. but something inside of me isnt letting go... hmm.

moving on to a less sad thing about my birthday. ill be in class for most of it which is okay kind of get my mind off of sad things and into literature up the ying yang.  and then hopefully some sort of fun.ness will happen after class. even if it is a trip to panos with kari and leisha. im okay with it.  yuppers. or even if that doesnt take place. im okay with it really i am.  sometimes id rather just celebrate my birthday on an off day. like the weekend. and have fun fun fun.  im tired now. and this really doesnt have an ending. actually. it will have an ending.

basically lesson of blog #2 is ... enjoy life. i think i took things for granted when i was younger and growing up because i didnt realize what i had in front of me. and you always think you'll realize it once its gone but folks honestly i never did.  i think it takes the right people in your life(a big thank you) to point things out for you to actually realize things. like wow -- you really are an asshole or a bitch or whatever. and so on.  so i say get stoked on life and enjoy it because you never really know when its your turn to get off this crazy crazy ride we are on called life.  im stoked. are you??!?!?!?

..better...

just laugh.
just be you.
just forgive and forget.
just go for the gold.
just think.
just be unmiserable.
just giggle.
just drive.
just sink or swim.
just smile lots.
just drink lattes.
just do a lot of reading for school.
just love.
just get tattooed.
just have fun.
just experience.
just make the best of everything.
just hope.
just wish.
just be.
just be 2008.