This. This.

I thought we'd live off love.

Yes

I find comfort in knowing that people who I’ve cut out of my life are left with this version of me that simply doesn’t exist anymore. The memory and image of me that they have isnt who I am, and I’m happy that it’s that way. I’ve changed and grown and they wont ever get the chance to know the better version of myself that I’ve become during their absence.

The best

Sometimes you just have to go for it and travel with your #1 to the most magical place on earth! 

Make believe

That void you've been searching desperately for ... You think the person next to you filled it yet you're still thinking of me, and still wishing 

This over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Forgive yourself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace. 

Are you absolutely sure

 

You wonder why I don’t answer your
3 A.M. phone calls.

 

When you say, “I miss you”, I begin to undress myself out of habit.

 

Kill me with words

Your heart just breaks, that’s all. But you can’t judge or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you. 

1 am thoughts

I always wish for you to find me

I can't shake this feeling

I just want to be in your arms again.  

Sure.

Mouse ears

I'm going to the magical place on earth and I can't wait!! 

back and forth

you were like a wave - coming and withdrawing and coming again and i guess for a while i was happy to be the place you come back to, the destination, the thing you reach before you disappear. i guess for a while it felt good to be immersed in something so vast, even if for scattered moments. i guess for a while you leaving and me being left didn’t matter, or maybe it felt like a price worth paying, the sacrifice you offer gods in exchange for unearthly love. for a while. but see, somewhere along the line the waiting hardened me and the distance made you the enemy and you stopped kissing me gently and touching me softly and you started breaking against me, breaking me, breaking. and still - i stayed, i was the place, the safe haven, the one you come back to. and still. and then you left and left and again and again and at one point it felt like i was either being broken or trying to heal and there was no time in between, no peace. and at one point the price seemed to steep and the love too thin. and at one point i looked out at the sea and thought this is what i want to be. and at one point i became. and at one point i left. you might come back, but i won’t be there. not this time, not again. i might run into you in the ocean, or maybe one day when we are both rain, or perhaps once when we are both nourishing a flower. maybe. but it will be brief, because darling i no longer stay still. 

So be it.

 You cant make somebody be ready for what you’re ready for, and you’re not obligated to wait around either. 

Be happy now

One of the most significant negative habits we should be aware of is that of constantly allowing our mind to run off into the future. Perhaps we got this from our parents. Carried away by our worries, we’re unable to live fully and happily in the present. Deep down, we believe we can’t really be happy just yet—that we still have a few more boxes to be checked off before we can really enjoy life. 

Around my neck

i'm used to carrying things with me, you see. i’ve been dealing with sadness greater than me for years, and some days it almost goes away, almost, some days it’s as light as air, some days. and other days it feels like a mountain on my chest, growing with every breath i take, other days it feels heavier than the world, than all the joy and all that’s good. and see, i’ve learned to live with this, with knowing that life is both light and heavy and that some days are a breeze and others feel like an endless battle, and i know that for me life will often feel like a war and it won’t be about winning, but about surviving. i know this and the knowledge keeps me grounded, keeps me going. see, i also know that some days food will be nourishment for me, some days i will taste it and let myself feel it, feel the goodness of it. and other days, it will burn to swallow and it will feel heavy in my belly, it will feel like the enemy is attacking me from within. some days, it will be easy to eat and others it will feel like a choice between a rock and a hard place and i will know which choice to make and it will, still, feel like a mistake - doing good will feel like doing bad, staying alive will feel like a quiet death. but see, i know this, i know recovery is a process that doesn’t end just because you’re well, because as good as you get, one foot is always hanging off the ledge. i know how to live like this, i’ve learned you see, over the years. and that is why loving you will not be the end of me. that is why loving you the way i’ve never loved anyone and losing you the way i’ve only lost myself will be doable, survivable, possible. because i know you will never be gone, never forever, and the way i feel will change and fade, but never go away - and see - i am finally ok with that. i am ok with carrying you like a necklace around my neck, and some days it will feel like a noose, some days it will feel like i can’t breathe, but most days it will just feel like a reminder of a time long past, it will feel like a wind that is just a little bit too chilly, a memory a little bit too vivid, a hunger a little bit too numb and a bit of an empty smile. but see - i can handle that, i can survive you, i’ve survived worse. 

Daydreams

I want to fall to sleep with you, and I could care less whether it is in layers upon layers of clothing or only our skin -all I really want is to wake up not knowing where I end and you begin. 

In my head

 it’s not that the songs we listened to together remind me of you, it’s that i hear songs i’ve never heard before and i can imagine the smile on your face as you listen to them, i can imagine your fingers tapping lightly on my shoulder, i can imagine you kissing my forehead. i can’t get away from us, because you’re still everywhere, you’re still inside my head. 

Say it ain't so

 

i have a talent for making pain seem beautiful.

 

or maybe,it’s not a talent, but a curse.

 

Love would find forgiveness

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PEce7jzmKeg. 

What matters

It’s hard to explain - the not wanting you, but still wishing we had happened for real, still wishing we had taken a chance, jumped and fallen. i guess i’d rather have scars from what we were, and how we burned, than bruises from trying to hold on to what never was. i wish i hadn’t been afraid when it mattered; i wish i had known silence was a way to lose you, too, i wish i had told you those six words. i wish it still mattered, or at least i wish it didn’t. 

Cheers

Here's to 32 years on this planet 

Note to self

 Stop blaming yourself for other peoples shitty doings to you. 
They fucked up. Not you. 

Choices.

Moving on isn’t something that just happens. It’s a choice. It’s acknowledging and accepting that things are not what they were and it’s actively deciding to not let that change affect you. 

My name is Beth

Soon to be 32 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost....

I wish

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

This.

She notices

 She noticed everything about him. She noticed the freckles under his eyes and memorized the curves on his face. She picked out the way his eyes expanded when he was talking about his favorite things. She noticed how he rubbed her arm distractedly while they watched movies. She recognized the love he had for her. She wished for nothing more. 

Be kind

 

Be kind to yourself. Stop telling yourself that whatever you are struggling with “should” be easy. If something is hard for you, it is hard for you. There are probably reasons, though those may just be how you are wired. Acknowledge these things. When you finish something hard, be proud! Celebrate a little.

 

And really, just stop saying “should” to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.

 

I'll always encourage

I'll always encourage the reckless texts confessing your feelings. The kind where you throw your phone after hitting send.

I’ll always encourage the horribly straightforward conversations at 3am when conversations get deep and you can’t always put how you feel into words.

I’ll always encourage you to say the things that make your heart beat fast and your legs shake. Because i know how alive you feel when you feel something for someone else.

 

10:53

 The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear. 

Hello 2016

Today -
is the worst day of someone’s life
and the best day of someone else’s;
for some the time will stand still,
for others it will mercilessly slip;
some will begin today,
others will end.

 

live today -
so that you remember,
so that if tomorrow you end
you are happy you have had today.