A letter to self

Dear me-

You deserve the best for you and your son. Just keep doing what your doing and being a great mom and don't worry about the other stuff. People will come in and out of your life but those that want to be in it will. Don't chase anyone and don't wait around for anyone. Love with a  big heart and remember that little boy loves you and looks up to you. Set the bar high and succeed with what you set your mind to. 

Xoxo

Me

Ps here are some things to try more in 2016

1. Love yourself more than you already do.

2. You are beautiful 

3. Smile more

4. Laugh harder

5. Take more adventures with Owen 

6. The sky's the limit 

Dear you

The not so feelings

 i wake up in the morning hoping that maybe something’s happened while i was asleep, that maybe i’ve moved on, i’ve let go. i go to sleep at night knowing i’ve spent another day being stuck, missing you and being stubborn. i go to sleep hoping that tomorrow i will awake with a brand new consciousness. i go to sleep hoping i will never miss you this way again - never this hungry, never this desperate. i go to sleep afraid to dream. 

3:45

i don’t want to be

your wilderness,

your experiment,

your fuck-you to your parents.

i don’t want to be the wild thing

you become,

or conquer. 

i don’t want to be a journey

you one day remember surviving.

baby - 

some people get lost in the wilderness,

and some don’t survive their experiments,

some start their journeys and never come back.

i could be the thing that breaks you,

instead of the girl that makes you.

Zero fucks

Today is the new moon and after much contiplation over the last two weeks I've decided to not only get [really fucking clear] about where I want all areas of my life to go, but I've also decided to clear house. We all vibrate at a certain frequency and my focus is all about raising my vibration and getting into alignment with higher vibration. I want all areas of my life to be balanced in energy and be able to flow into eachother seamlessly. Not only do I need to be tunnel vision focused on this but I need to start cutting [everything] and [anybody] that I allow to take up space in my life that doesn't contribute to raising my vibration. It's about loving yourself. It's about being accountable to yourself. And lastly, it's about understanding that you can really create what you truly want in your life. 

I deserve

 i deserve better than unanswered texts and late replies.
ii. i deserve better than drunk phone calls.
iii. i deserve better than hot and cold.
iv. i deserve better than passive-aggressiveness.
v. i deserve better than being someone’s mistake.
vi. i deserve better than being someone’s revenge.
vii. i deserve better than being someone’s arm-candy.
viii. i deserve better than being one of many.
ix. i deserve better than vague promises and half-baked dreams.
x. i deserve better than skinny love, i deserve the fullness that makes my lungs burst, that makes me feel like the only girl in a crowded room. i deserve love that is tangible, that is more than mere words. i deserve, no, i demand extraordinary love. 

Dear you.

 here’s something they don’t teach you in high school - life is too short to waste it on trying to make things work. stop trying to fit into a pair of jeans you bought 5 years ago; give them to a charity. stop trying to make yourself listen to classical music; mozart is just not your thing. stop trying to like celery, no one likes it, it’s all a huge grown-up conspiracy. and most importantly, for the love of god, stop trying to stick around hoping people will ‘become’. he will not become kinder to you; she will not become funnier; they will not become warmer. stop trying to change people. either accept them and love them for who they are, or just let go and say your goodbyes. there just isn’t enough time. 

Open the door.

 Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start. 

What would it tell you ?

 imagine if you could spend a whole day listening to your heart -  the way it quickens as you run after the bus, the way it slows down during a hug, the way it almost stills during a kiss, the way it goes quiet as you listen to your parents fight, the way it screams when you hear that beat, the way it trembles during a goodbye, and the way it thumps when your fingertips touch.

imagine if you could spend a whole day listening to your heart -  what would it tell you? 

1 2 3 4

 And I hope you realize just how rare she was. And I hope you still think about her from time to time with a mixture of regret and nostalgia. She was worth it, you know. But she’s not going to chase you. A girl like that moves at her own pace. 

Out with the old

Got a new vehicle today .. Time to make memories 

9.17.2015

Having someone tell you they are falling madly in love with you and everything in between makes you realize that all the bullshit prior made you realize that the world has a plan for you and to never give up hope. 

Falling madly in love with that said person makes it even more than just a statement. It's everything and more. It's indescribable. To be close to someone without being close is an incredible feeling. I am very happy that our paths crossed and I am very happy I have forever. 

If I'm just bad news then you're a liar .

It's scary to think of the he said she said bullshit . Remember boys like you are a dime a dozen  ... You're a touch over rated. 

Re.play .

5:51am and all I can do is replay you whispering the dirtiest secrets into my mouth.

Everyone over looks

I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am. 

Dear you -

To love me is to love a haunted house;
it’s fun to visit once a year but no one wants to live there, and when you say, “Tell me about the bad days,” it sounds like all the neighborhood kids daring each other to ring the doorbell.

Today's that kind of day

Instead of “have a nice day,” I think I’ll start saying “have the day you deserve.” Ya know, let karma sort that shit out

What's your worth ?

"You're incredible. You're worth the moon and stars."

and how much are they worth i say.... 

"If I were this man, I would go up to the richest guy I know and I would tell a story so compelling that he would jump at the chance of owning them. Because not everyone can own the moon and stars. And the truth is they're not mine to give away. But to be that fella that makes you smile everyday, I'd find a way to make the moon and stars mine.So... how much are they worth? Every minute, every touch, every look, every smile, every laugh, every cry, and that's a lot if you think about it.You know what? Date a guy that is willing to tell you everything I just told you and has the brass to prove it."

As if I wasn't

As if I wasn't crying enough already tonight I get told this ...

Beth, the way I see it, you're a pretty freaking incredible woman. You have qualities that other people wish they had. Me included. Just go with it. I remember when you first found out you were pregnant. You impressed me with everything you did to put that little boy first in your life .

It's all nice.

It's nice to feel someone's warmth against your body. To feel a kiss. A hug. To see that smile because you put it on their face. It's nice to have these feelings again. It's all nice. 

You need a little rain

 If someone digs a hole in you, plant some nice flowers and tell them to go fuck themselves. 

Hey wow

 Devour me if you really think that you can stomach me. 

Screaming ..

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending 

Take care

“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

Is it worth it ?

 So you’re in love again. Well it’s the only thing worth a damn to be. No matter how being in love comes out it’s sure worth it all while it’s going on. 

There's only 24 hours.

The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves. 

Truth is

 No one is ever too busy, it’s about priorities. 

And sometimes people just tell you

"You are such a great mom too .  I could only wish that my daughter had someone like you in her life.  Keep doin what you are doin. "

Sigh

There are days when I’m fine, but there are days when I’m sad and I don’t know why.

Twinkle twinkle little star

see, we are broken pieces of stars that keep on trying to piece themselves together - but what we refuse to  accept is that broken things are seldom whole again. 

Memories fade people do not

 I wish I had never met you. I’m going to be 80 years old, and I’m going to remember who you are. I’m not going to remember what I had for breakfast that morning, or what I even did during the day, but I’m going to remember who you are. 

Truth.

Repeat this until you understand it: I do not need people who do not need me. 

We are only human.

Remind yourself that you will have exhausting hours, days and weeks. There will be times when your soul seems nothing but tired and your mind tries to pull you back into the darkness you have fought so diligently to be free of. It is normal, and it is okay. Being genuinely happy and at peace does not mean being in a consistent state of elation. Don’t beat yourself up because you don’t wake up with a radiating smile every single day. Understand that being vulnerable to negative emotions is a part of being human, and it in no way makes you weak or pathetic. Continue to be patient and kind with yourself, continue to fight through those draining moments and do not allow them to persist longer than they should. You are in complete control. Sadness is simply a visitor within your mental space, not a permanent resident. Chat with it, understand it, master it, and most importantly, know when to say goodbye. You will wake up the next morning and you will brew your coffee, and it will still be wonderful.

The blue pill or the red pill ....

Once you have started seeing the beauty of life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can have only one. It is your choice. 

Just breathe.

 You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air. 

Bittersweet

That moment you delete someone out of your phone so you will never call or text them again. 

Don't be that person

The saddest thing you can hear someone say is "I’m used to it."

And sometimes

 That time you confused a lesson for a soulmate. 

Can't stress this enough.

Some people win at being fake.

For the record.

 I appreciate effort. No matter how small, silly or irrelevant, I appreciate effort.

Sometimes letting go is all I know

 You don’t leave the people you love alone.

What's really important

 I don’t want to fabricate a perfect love anymore. I just want to live a little better. To not be hurt anymore, and to not hurt others. I don’t like it that there’s so much wounding in the world. If there persists in being so much wounding in the world, I don’t want to live in it. My need for true love isn’t so important now. The important thing is to lead a life where no one can wound me anymore. 

Don't you dare forget

 Don’t you do that.
Don’t you look at what I had for you and call it weak.
Not when you were the one afraid of it. 
I stood there with my hands open,
my mouth bruised tender with supplication.
Don’t you dare treat me like a victim of my own emotions,
like being moved to my knees by love
was a mistake that I regret.
I will go to my grave with the memory of the bravery in my bones. 

Isn't this the truth -

I refuse to be second best. I refuse to be an option. If I’m not your first choice, there’s no choice to be had.

Something we all know too well

It’s strange to feel like you need someone you don’t really know anymore.

Sometimes words have no meaning.

i don’t have the words anymore.
i could learn seventeen languages and swallow dictionaries until i am filled with nothing but definitions and synonyms and that still wouldn’t be enough for some reason you were put beyond my ability to articulate close enough to reach and yet too far to grasp and i try and try and try and my attempts are futile but failure signifies progress so i guess we’re getting there i don’t know where there is or what exactly it means but i hope there is the same for both of us but if we do not cross and this is all just practice for some greater purpose i hope your there is among the stars somewhere between the planets and the constellations because the galaxies in your eyes must be homesick i hope your there is somewhere you want to be and that’s really all i want because as i said before i no longer possess the words 

Speechless

 I don’t remember signing up for this.
I don’t know who made you the authority on what it means to be pretty. Or where you get off going around talking trash about girls who kissed like you were the best thing they’d ever had.
And you can barely dress yourself,
so I don’t know who made you
judge and jury of the beauty pageant,
because, guess what?
I’ve met your ex-girlfriend.
And she’s really pretty. And, far as I know, she dumped your ass, and I think I’m staring to get why that is.
What I wanna know is who made this a contest, and what, exactly, is the prize?
You?
Listen carefully.
Don’t you dare love me through the blood of the girls who came before me.
If you can’t love me without taking the knife to someone else,
I’d rather you didn’t love me
at all.
There is a war going on right under our noses.
A war that we are all complicit in.
I know.
Because I have wielded the ax
just as surely as I have been
cut down by it–
there is blood in the streets
and no one wants to talk about it.
So the red on your shoes
and the red on my hands,
it all goes unnoticed.
This is the ongoing war
of woman against woman,
and say what you want,
but women weren’t the ones who started it. I didn’t learn the word slut
from my mother. Women aren’t the ones who taught me that this was a competition. This isn’t a competition,
this is survival. In a world that already tells us we will never be enough.
Don’t you dare  build me up
on the backs of the women you ruined.
You don’t get to go throwing rocks
when you aren’t the one being stoned to death in the streets.
I don’t want to hear how you love me so much better than the others. Because I know, someday, you’ll be telling some other girl how she’s just so much prettier
than me. 

And sometimes you're a dreamer

 The thought of you is ever present. Somedays it is faint and small, like a whisper in the dark, and others, unbearable, like nails screeching down a chalkboard. But whatever the case, you are always on my mind, every day, every hour, every minute. 

and she now has a spark in her eyes.

"i cant say i know you as well as i would like to, but i remember the pre-baby you and the you now and i have seen such beautiful growth and understanding of love through owen. I am happy for you"

love vs love

In true love, the development of self is most important. Both parties should want the best for one another.
In toxic love, the primary focus is on the relationship itself, sometimes obsessing over how the two people involved interface.

In true love, there is comfort in separate interests. We can have our own friends and meaningful relationships outside of our romantic relationships. We can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand.
In toxic love, there is total involvement in one another’s lives. One can’t go anywhere without the other. This is codependency.

In true love, there’s no struggle in embracing the individuality of your partner.
In toxic love, there is an obsession with trying to change your partner into someone you’d rather be with instead of loving them for who they are.

In true love, intimacy is a free choice that grows from love and trust, caring and friendship.
In toxic love, sex is something you feel pressured over due to fear, insecurity, and feeling as though you have to conform to the sexual desires of your partner.

In true love, every conversation is constructive, trying to understand and help, or convey affection to your partner.
In toxic love, conversations are intended to blame, defend, or manipulate your partner.

The truth sounds insane sometimes.

 The world isn’t against you, my dear, it just doesn’t care. 

A rule to live by-

 Falling in love with yourself first doesn’t make you vain or selfish, it makes you indestructible.

Because I know you read this / part two

I'll let you have your time while I sit back and watch you shine. You'll rise and rise but one day you're going to fall. Spill your guts; say your lies, because one day you're just going to slip on them.  You know I could be angry but you're not worth the fight  - this is me moving on. 

Emptiness ...

I hope my son never feels this way at night . 

Wanderer

Realizing I'm not searching for my other half because I’m not a half is one of the things that made the biggest difference in my life, not just in my relationships. 

Never let go jack

Just a FYI - getting into a relationship may seem like a good idea but so was getting on the titanic and look how that turned out 

There's this ...

http://youtu.be/io9ivuo4r6Q

AND this 

http://youtu.be/0AKCne5vvaQ

Just remember :

 Don’t ever become so consumed with someone else that you forget your own existence. 

Since I know you read this / part one

 I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. 

You are important

You should tell people how important they are to you. Not because they could leave at any moment, but because they’re here now, and it’s worth saying something.

And sometimes

 Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something. 

I believe

 They say, if it’s real, let it go and it will return. I say, if it doesn’t return, give thanks that the universe is filtering the negative out of your life and continue to live, love, strive and go with the flow. Everything happens as its meant to happen. 

Put your hands down

you’ve got your hands up and you’re praying to him like he’s a God but he’s no God. He’s just a man. And he’s only loving you like half of one. 

How do you spell friends ?

Love stories suck so let's just be friends. 

Burning the bridge

 Some women are lost in the fire.
Some women are built from it. 

Bitter sweet days

Today's a bitter sweet day for me. April 4 2014. 

Dear you part 43

I’m sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure you wanted it. 

Just keep swimming

 You go on by doing the best you can, you go on by being generous, you go on by being true, you go on by offering comfort to others who can’t go on, you go on by allowing the unbearable days to pass and allowing the pleasure in other days, you go on by finding a channel for your love and another for your rage. 

Dear you

 I go through phases. Some days I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then some days I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on the days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you still are willing to be near me. 

you are the only one that can swim when you are drowning in your own blood.

 You will miss him no matter 
how nicely or how badly he 
treated you and no matter 
how long or how little you 
had him you will miss 
him and you will want him 
to be the one that comforts
you and you will want to know 
why he did this to you and you 
will scream at the world and be 
angry even at the flowers that 
grow from the soil of the earth 
and you will collapse on the floor 
like a leaf falling from its tree and 
you will feel lost like a tourist in a 
foreign city and you will feel so 
numb that you will have to check 
if your heart is even beating and 
I am not going to sugarcoat it for 
you and I am not going to tell you 
that he will come back and lift you 
out of your grave because the truth 
is you will have to stitch your body
back together and you will have 
to be the one that cleans the 
waterfall of tears that have 
splashed your cheeks and no
matter how much you wish 
for him to come back you will 
have to learn that most stars 
are already dead in light-years 
and you have to be the one 
that fixes your own gears of 
your contraption because
you are the only one that can 
swim when you are drowning 
in your own blood. 

You vs me

 I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. 

Truth 101

 I deserve someone who actually gives a fuck about me because I’ve spent my entire life making other people happy when all they did was leave. 

Memo 986

 I don’t trust words, I even question actions. But I never doubt patterns. 

Memo to self

 

You don’t have to show up to every argument you’re invited to.

 

Memo to myself

 

Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.

 

Losing love is like organ damage

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on 

The beat goes on

 People leave you out in the cold and get mad when you learn how to get warm by yourself. 

This still hits home.

 

There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you.

 

Remember that.

 

FYI

 I don’t chase people anymore. I learned that I’m here, and I’m important. I’m not going to run after people to prove that I matter. 

Almost there

 One day you’re going to fall so in love with life that you won’t remember what falling apart over him felt like & it’s going to be so fucking beautiful. Just wait. 

Don’t waste your youth away on boys who do not care.

 

No one’s been honest with you and that’s why you’re scared.

You won’t let him all the way go. you’re leaving the door cracked for him to come back in. You won’t shut him all the way out for the fear of there still being a small chance. 
You don’t want to ruin that small chance.

And this is because all you’ve ever been told is “he’ll come back” or “he’ll realize what he had” or “give it time”

Poor girl, no one has been honest with you but here I am and that’s what I’m going to do.

Delete his number. You’re not using it. You shouldn’t be, anyway. Don’t talk to him because there’s nothing to be severed from empty conversation and you’ll look foolish when he doesn’t reply.

Delete his pictures. From your phone, anyway. You don’t need them. You just get sad when you look at them, and it’s okay. But you can choose happiness. So print them out and put them in a box in your closet and delete them. Choose happiness.

Don’t think about him. Don’t cry about him. When you see something that breaks your heart, curse his name and take a breath and carry on. Do you honestly think he ever spends more than a minute with your name on his mind? Now why should you be so upset over him?

Don’t wait. Kiss that other damn boy that wants to kiss you. Don’t leave that door cracked. Slam it. If he wants you he’ll work to get it back open. If he doesn’t want you enough in the end to try, fucking lock it.

Don’t expect the best, either. There are chances he thinks about you and will miss you. But there are also chances he doesn’t miss you and never will. Chances are he’s simply out of love, or moved on. Chances are it’s over. 
Don’t waste your youth away on boys who do not care.

 

You're still outnumbered

So, how do you beat the odds when it’s one against a billion? You’re just outnumbered. You stand strong, keep pushing yourself against all rational limits, and never give up. But the truth of the matter is despite how hard you try and fight to stay in control, when it’s all said and done, sometimes you’re just outnumbered.

Healing

We’ve all done things we weren’t proud of. I understand that. I know nobody’s perfect, but how do you live with it? How do you get up every morning knowing you could have done better, that you should have done better? Is being sorry enough? Can an apology actually heal our wounds? Ease our pain? Can it undo the hurt that we’ve caused?

Memo 2222

Looking back, it's easy to see when a mistake has been made... to regret a choice that seemed like a decent idea at the time, but if we used our best judgment and listened to our hearts, we are more likely to see that we chose wisely and avoided the deepest most pain regret of them all - the regret from letting something amazing pass you by.

Memo 542

If you aren't willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places without stopping even when it seems impossible, you will never succeed.

Sweet summer

 In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. 
I realized, through it all, that 
In the middle of winter, I finally found that within me there lies an invincible summer.

Memo 75

    The world is a cruel place, nourished by and satisfied with appearances, rarely concerned about what lies beneath the surface. This is why it’s up to each of us to keep any fairy tale anchored to real life, so that we never forget who we are, where we come from.  

Dear you

 I am fucking gold but you prefer silver and that’s ok. 

There is no other way

 You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. 

Closeness

 I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep & there are no words for that. 

Or

 

you didn’t love her.

you just didn’t want to be alone.

or maybe, she was just good for your ego.

or, or maybe she just made you feel better about your miserable life.

but you didn’t love her,

because you don’t destroy people you love.

 

Memo. 90

 One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder. 

We only have ourselves

 I am too intelligent and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself. 

Pretty please

 

You were taught at a young age that “please” was the magic word if you wanted something.

Please stay.
Please don’t go.
Please don’t leave me.
And please come back.

But you never believed in magic, did you?

 

Memo 435

You know you really love someone, when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart. 

Memo 643

 I’m homesick for arms that don’t want to hold me. 

Memo 428954

 I knew I matured when I realized every situation doesn’t need a reaction. Sometimes you just have to leave people to continue to do the lame shit that they do.