so this is it

as i sit here alone in my bed with the company of my pup by my feet, i feel the sense of the unknown - the not knowing. the maybes.. the what ifs the what if i really did take the chance. what if i just gave the world a chance that was put in front of me.

hmm.

i guess i have a lot going on currently.

i work then go to see a motionless body breathing slightly and yelling for help. eyes closed tight only waiting for the moment for him to take his last breath. it wears on me. i have flash backs to when i was little watching my other grandpa do the same thing then my grandma. its hard. and no one understands until they have been in that place before. to see a loved one just lay there waiting to move on to another world. or whatever is waiting for him where ever he may go. i speak of my fathers dad. my grandpa. My grandma said he isnt going to wear a suit when he is buried because that isnt him. hes going to wear a red flannel shirt, with a cigar in his pocket glasses on hair, what is left, combed just so slightly to the right. surrounding him will be pictures of us with him. as she was telling me this i think what happened if i died. who would be by my bed side.. watching me day one day at a time, while a horrible mass of what will call as cancer, eats away at my body or would it be something else. maybe i just dont wake up one day ... and slowly just fade from this world. this place. . . i guess im sick of waiting around to explore im sick of people trying to walk all over me when theres no need for it.

i think i'm rambling.

mansions is playing currently.

envy moved from my feet to being cuddled up next to me under the covers.

i think ill rest my eyes. now.

i made him laugh

i always sleep through holidays

dont really wanna see my face

i cant know im alone if i am not awake

i always sleep through holidays

sitting by myself inside a tiny room

watching bad tv, got nothing else to do

drink till i get sick, start howling at the moon

spending all my nights just missing you

i always feel so goddamn small

i dont fit in so fuck them all

close my eyes i cant let on im miserable

god im so fucking lonely

on the floor in my kitchen

drunk on thanksgiving

just hoping and wishing

that i can fall asleep and forget about where i am

forget that you arent here

yeah i think im sleeping in.

we are airplanes.

t's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn that sometimes the only way out is through
It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday,
I'd run to you now if I could but things have changed

it's enlightening
To think of the breeze
To believe in things that we can't see

so here we go let's show them how to live
Accept the pain
Always forgive
Watch the sun go down
Learn the sound of following all that is complete

It's breathtaking to think of you
And to learn without faith the sky isn't as blue.
It's mindnumbing to think of yesterday
We'll look toward the stars and dream that we're airplanes

my heart is slowly shutting down

i've been thinking a lot lately.

sometimes my miserable.ness gets to me and then sometimes i drink. i told myself. i wasnt going to, but it was just wine and not hard hard booze filled with shots and yadda. 3 glasses of wine. did it make me realize anything. more than likely i just become pure shit and just wanted to sleep and not fight with a certain someone anymore.

do i need time to myself again. do i need to retrace steps i took a year ago. what do i need? i remember when i told myself no one was going to drag me down and i was going to shoot for the moon and say fuck you to the rest. super fail.

as of last night realize i pull myself away from uncomfortable situations and just disappear by myself. it's not like i plan it or anything i just dont want to be sitting there with a bunch of people who make me uncomfortable when i dont have to. is this a bad thing? ...

it scares me to think that i am allowing myself to do this. it scares me to think that all i want more than anything is just to make myself happy but i always put others first. all i want is to want nothing and just for things to happen. but ... with wanting nothing there is always a something and with that something is a risk a chance...

am i willing to take it. am i willing to just jump and hopefully you'll be there to catch me.

i think it's safe to say i am not okay and i miss you.

i think it's safe to say that you do make me happy.

i think it's safe to say that you give me a reason to breathe.

i think it's safe to say that im figuring out everything. one day at a time.

i think it's safe to say that i mean it.

i think it's safe to say you've opened my eyes to a whole new world.

i wore black and brown today. it made me think of you.

xoxox

Dear October

the air is getting colder. or maybe that is just my heart and mind.

i cant seem to understand why things occur when they do. i cant seem to understand why.

i wish i did. i wish i knew how to be strong. i was once strong. i was strong for everyone around me but myself.

how do you become a strong person to your own soul? where is that drive i used to have . . . am i weak or just weak in the knees? do i have a weak mind. a weak soul. a weak heart. how can i fix that. ... how can i un.break broken?

october. you're throwing me for a loop, november.. i hear you calling. december you're so far away. january . . . another year older, but not another year wiser.

i feel like i talk in circles but when i talk to you im an open book.

help me turn the pages for the better.

xoxo