hmm.
i guess i have a lot going on currently.
i work then go to see a motionless body breathing slightly and yelling for help. eyes closed tight only waiting for the moment for him to take his last breath. it wears on me. i have flash backs to when i was little watching my other grandpa do the same thing then my grandma. its hard. and no one understands until they have been in that place before. to see a loved one just lay there waiting to move on to another world. or whatever is waiting for him where ever he may go. i speak of my fathers dad. my grandpa. My grandma said he isnt going to wear a suit when he is buried because that isnt him. hes going to wear a red flannel shirt, with a cigar in his pocket glasses on hair, what is left, combed just so slightly to the right. surrounding him will be pictures of us with him. as she was telling me this i think what happened if i died. who would be by my bed side.. watching me day one day at a time, while a horrible mass of what will call as cancer, eats away at my body or would it be something else. maybe i just dont wake up one day ... and slowly just fade from this world. this place. . . i guess im sick of waiting around to explore im sick of people trying to walk all over me when theres no need for it.
i think i'm rambling.
mansions is playing currently.
envy moved from my feet to being cuddled up next to me under the covers.
i think ill rest my eyes. now.
